Email Jim at jim.thompson@ipulpmedia.com

By Fos, the Rat

I am delighted to be back with you again, thanks to Mr. Jim. This is the eleventh year of Pulp Rats! August seems to come earlier and earlier each year. I have been given permission to open up the world of rat adjudication a bit further this year. If you will allow me, I want to first go back and quote from the first column I wrote for Nip Impressions, eleven years ago:

"After a long period of time, we [the Pulp Rats] recognized the Big Things [humans] engage in activities we would never dream of doing. We decided this is because they have emotions that are strange to us. After careful listening and much discussion, we concluded they call these emotions 'greed' and 'pride'--both foreign concepts in our world...

"...So, if you are a Big Thing and work in a pulp or paper mill, you may occasionally find a wire chewed in two, a gasket that looks like it has been gnawed, or have other experiences you just can't explain. In those times, remember, it is your Pulp Rats who are placing a stumbling block in your way, helping to distract you from some dastardly deed you had planned...

"...We want you to live good and upright lives; quite frankly there are many times we are embarrassed by your actions..."

I can report there was a recent meeting of the Superior Rats, and I have been given permission to share stories from our highest court, Rats Supreme, this year. Up until now I have only been sharing stories from the District Courts as our convention moved around the country. However, the Superior Rats have become discouraged by the recidivism we have seen amongst the Big Things caught in malfeasance. Perhaps these stories will scare you straight. Let's look in on a recent proceeding.

"Order! Order!" The Head Supreme Rat gaveled the court into session.

"What do we have today clerk?"

"It is a case where some Big Things told an engineering company how to design the work in their mill renovation. It didn't work and now they want to blame the engineering company."

"Can I be introduced to the attorneys?"

"I am Ms. Rhodent, for the plaintiffs, Your Honor."

"And I am Mr. Schmoe for the defendants, Your Honor."

"We'll skip the opening statements if you agree."

"Yes, your honor."

"Do we have any testimony?"

Ms. Rhodent, "The defense and the plaintiff agree that Mr. Thompson's deposition accurately describes the case, and we agree to submit it as the only evidence."

Head Supreme Rat, "Well where is Mr. Thompson?"

Clerk whispers, "Ma'am he is a Big Thing and the door to our courtroom is only three inches tall."

Head Supreme Rat, "Hrumph! Well, I guess his deposition will have to do. Clerk, please read his deposition."

Clerk reads from Mr. Thompson's deposition.

"I have examined this case. The plaintiffs hired the defendant to design their new press section installation. The plaintiffs imposed extremely strict performance guarantees on the press section supplier and the engineering company. All parties agreed to the project scope and performance.

"During the installation, the plaintiffs kept asking for changes. The engineer asked for changes in writing, but the plaintiffs were slow with these. The plaintiffs kept reminding the engineer of the schedule, which also must not be missed."

Head Supreme Rat, "What kind of changes?"

Clerk skims down the page.

"The plaintiff asked that the concrete foundation only be allowed to cure for three days. They also said to not grout the equipment, they wanted to get it running."

Head Supreme Rat, "Was the project behind schedule, is that why they asked for these changes?"

Clerk skims further.

"It looks like that was not the case. It turns out the CEO of the company wanted to stop by and see the new press section running on his way to his fishing vacation. The mill manager was pushing the schedule to accommodate the CEO!"

Head Supreme Rat, "Idiots! Case dismissed! Plaintiff to pay all court costs and defense's legal bills."

Slam! Slam! She nearly broke her gavel.

Head Supreme Rat, "By the way, was their any damage to the press section?"

Clerk looks down further in the deposition.

"Why yes. As it came up to speed the first time, it was torn loose of the foundation and rose about ten feet into the air. But no one was hurt."

Head Supreme Rat looking at the plaintiff counsel, "Get out of here and never come back!"

Be safe and we will talk next week.

Podcast of this column available here.

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